SoulmateDotCom
by espeon16
Summary: What does Kurotsuchi Mayuri do when he's bored? Create an online dating site for shinigami, of course! Follow the misadventures of the shinigami as they try to find their soulmate through Mayuri's latest creation. On hiatus, further details on profile.
1. Prologue

Welcome to my new Bleach story, co-written with **Kristycyw**.

This story contains multiple pairings. Don't like, please don't barf. Don't flame either.

Please review!

Don't own Bleach.

*****

**Prologue**

Kurotsuchi Mayuri stared at the screen of his laptop. Recently, they had become the latest standard issue in Seireitei. Every division had at least two computers, and he had hooked them all up to a self-made wireless system that connected to the internet of the real world. Now, he was surfing, trying to find ideas for experiments to do.

Kurotsuchi Mayuri was bored.

Scrolling down page 156 on Google search, he clicked a link. When the page had loaded halfway, an obnoxiously pink and sparkly popup appeared, advertising an online dating site.

Suddenly, Mayuri had a brainwave.

"That's it! That's what I'll do!"

Kurotsuchi Nemu looked over his shoulder.

"You're going dating, Mayuri-sama?"

"No! I'll make an online dating site for the shinigami! That way, they'll use the internet more often, which means more money for us! It's the perfect plan!"

Three hours of programming, two hours on Photoshop and another hour on the printer later, Mayuri had waved Nemu off with a stack of flyers advertising his newly-finished online dating site, with the instruction to stick the flyers everywhere.

And Nemu, being Nemu, did as she was told.

Literally.

-----

"Taichouuuuu," whined Matsumoto Rangiku, yanking on the sleeve of her height-deprived captain, Hitsugaya Toushiro.

"For the last time, Matsumoto, you can't have the day off to drink sake."

He looked up in exasperation, and noticed a piece of white fluttering above him.

"Matsumoto. Do you, by any chance, have anything to do with that white thing stuck on the roof of the office?"

She looked at the white thing.

"No. But let's see what it's about, anyway!"

After Hitsugaya and Matsumoto had climbed the roof, they were met with a huge surprise.

The entire roof of the tenth division headquarters had been plastered with pink flyers.

-----

Unohana Retsu, captain of the fourth division, stalked into her headquarters angrily. All day, she had had people pointing at her back and giggling. She found it annoying.

"Isane," she addressed her lieutenant, "is there something on my back?"

Koetsu Isane peered at he captain's back. Indeed, there was a piece of paper on it. Someone had scribbled '_Kick the pansy_' on it. It was even signed '_Love, the eleventh division_'. She showed it to Unohana.

Unohana scowled. Flipping the paper over, both women saw a disgustingly pink flyer advertising an online dating site for shinigami. Unohana's face lost its scowl immediately, and brightened.

"Isane, you should sign up for this!"

"What?! No way, taichou!"

After being subjected to the patented Unohana Stare fifteen times, Isane gave in.

"Fine, taichou. I'll sign up. But only if you do."

-----

"Aw, taichou! It's so cute! You've gotta sign up!"

"For the _last_ time, Matsumoto, no!"

"Please?"

"Never."

"I'll put the photo of you with that teddy bear into the SWA yearbook if you refuse~"

Hitsugaya smacked his forehead in agony.

"Fine," he ground out.

Matsumoto squealed happily.

-----

"Pachinko."

"Yes?"

"Whaddya do to out punching bag?"

"Nothin', I swear, vice-captain!"

"It's covered in pink paper, Pachinko."

"Well, I was busy playing a prank on the head of the fourth division pansies, so it couldn't have been me."

"Maybe it was Feathers," mused Kusajishi Yachiru, lieutenant of the eleventh division. "Ah well, let's take them off anyway. Pachinko, you help me!"

And so, Madarame Ikkaku, third seat of said division, found himself being dragged by the ear to the training area to de-paper their punching bag.

Yanking off one of the pink flyers, he found that it advertised a dating site. He showed it to Yachiru, whose eyes lit up.

"Cool! Pachinko, you should join."

"Why me?"

Yachiru pouted.

"You don't wanna join? It'll be good for you."

Ikkaku huffed.

"I'll join when Taichou joins."

Yachiru's eyes sparkled.

"Pachinko, for once you came up with a great idea."

She took a deep breath, and screamed for a giant father-figure. A moment later, Zaraki Kenpachi appeared, crashing through the wall of the office. Yachiru shoved the flyer in his face.

"Ken-chan, you join!"

"Why?"

"Because I want you to. And Pachinko too."

Kenpachi sighed. It was hard to resist Yachiru's puppy-dog eyes, even for someone with prolonged immunity to most of her actions, like himself.

"All right. But I'm joining only to find a fighting partner. Lately, the men are all becoming pansies."

Yachiru grinned triumphantly.

"Now, you can join, Pachinko!"

-----

At the end of the day, Mayuri stared at the control panel opened on his computer in glee. The list of usernames was pleasantly long. Grinning like the mad scientist he was, he clicked 'Randomize'. He watched as the program took one random person each from the 'Male' and 'Female', and paired them up, until each person on the list had been paired.

So what if he'd written '99.9% accuracy' on the flyer? It wasn't like anybody was going to find out, anyway.

*****

Please review!


	2. HitsuHina: A NotsoRomantic Night Out

I got so many reviews for the prologue…I feel so happy! So, I decided to get this one up as soon as possible.

I shall explain the format of all subsequent chapters here. The chapter will begin with the notification letter that both parties are supposed to receive, telling them about the specifics for their date, as decided by the program. I will be using the usernames that they created instead of their real names.

This will be followed with the date itself. Some may turn out funny, others serious. Some will end successfully, while others will not. Please do not take offense if the pairing you ship happens to be one that isn't successful. Bear in mind that **Kristycyw**, my co-author, and I had a huge discussion (i.e. quiet fight during Japanese lesson) about the pairings.

This chapter wasn't very good. But hopefully, I'll be able to improve on the fluffy stuff in the chapters to come.

I apologize for the annoyingly long Author's Note.

Please review!

_Thoughts/Content of letter_

_**Username**_

Don't own.

*****

_To user __**THEiceking**__,_

_This is to notify you that your date with user __**momochan**__ has been scheduled for this evening, at 6 pm. The meeting point is at the West Gate. After your date, please remember to fill in the online date response form._

_Sincerely,_

_Administrator._

_This is a computer-generated letter. There is no need for a signature._

*****

The wind blew gently, ruffling a head of white hair.

He'd looked at the notification letter, and immediately, he knew who his date was. Hinamori was neverone for making up original nicknames.

Footsteps pounded, and he sensed the familiar reiatsu of Hinamori. Sure enough, she ran up to him two seconds later, panting.

"Shiro-chan! I had absolutely no idea that I was paired with you!"

Hitsugaya kept quiet. It would just hurt her feelings if he told her that Hyourinmaru had come up with the name, and therefore it should have been quite obvious as to his identity.

"Ne, Shiro-chan, where are we going?"

"Dunno."

"But Shiro-chan, the guy's _supposed_ to decided where we go!"

"I have no idea. Why don't you think of a place to go?

Hinamori concentrated.

"Erm…a restaurant?"

-----

The restaurant Hinamori dragged him to was one that served world cuisine. Hinamori's eyes skimmed the menu hungrily, sparkling. When the waiter came to take their order, she asked for nearly half the menu, all in small portions. Hitsugaya ordered a slice of watermelon.

"Hey, bed-wetter Momo, how come you ordered so much?"

"Because it all looked so good, and I couldn't decide what to choose!"

When the food arrived, Hitsugaya ate his watermelon in silence, watching Hinamori devour a wide assortment of foods, from mini-burgers to chicken curry. Her eyes shone happily as she munched.

_Well, at least she's happy. That's not too bad,_ thought Hitsugaya.

And then he saw the bill.

Hinamori rummaged around in her bag, but came up short. Really short.

"Eh…Shiro-chan…I only have about a hundred yen…do you think you could pay?"

Hitsugaya sighed, and looked at the sum on the bill again. It was enough to rival two years' worth of salary. But if he didn't pay, he would be stuck washing dishes, which was something he hoped to avoid.

Ten minutes later, they left the restaurant, his wallet feeling sadly lighter.

-----

"Ne, Shiro-chan, let's go watch a movie!"

Hitsugaya didn't bother to disagree, knowing full well that once Hinamori chose to do something, you either went along with it, or find yourself being crushed in her giant wake. So he let her drag him to the nearest movie theatre.

Unfortunately, the movie Hinamori wanted to see was _definitely_ not his type. It was a romantic movie. To make things was, it was a _sappy tragic_ romantic movie.

When the opening theme song played, Hinamori settled back in her chair, watching the silver screen with wide, attentive eyes. Hitsugaya sat in the chair next to her, gazing at the screen with a bored look on his face, moving his arm every five seconds to pop a piece of popcorn into his mouth.

When the audience gasped as the protagonist's family was killed, Hitsugaya crammed another handful of popcorn into his mouth.

When the ladies in the crowd sighed at the sight of the good-looking male protagonist, Hitsugaya closed his eyes and took a deep sip of Coke.

When Hinamori sniffled, digging into her bag for tissues, as the tragic end to the story played out, Hitsugaya reached his hand into the popcorn container again, only to have his hand scrape the empty bottom.

Hinamori sighed happily as they left the theatre.

"Ne, Shiro-chan, wasn't it great?"

"…Hn."

"Shiro-chan, wasn't it so romantic when the prince sacrificed everything he had just for the princess?"

Hitsugaya snorted.

"Please, no."

Hinamori pouted.

"Was too! What would _you_ have done in a situation like that?"

"Whip out Hyourinmaru and kick their asses."

"But _Shiro-chan_! That's not romantic at all!"

"Nobody said it had to be."

Hinamori scowled, and changed the topic.

"Shiro-chan, how come you ate all the popcorn?"

"I was hungry, and the show was boring."

"It was not boring! And it's your fault for only eating watermelon for dinner!"

"Well, most of the food was quite expensive."

They had arrived back in Seireitei. Hitsugaya turned on his heel, and was about to flash-step back to the tenth when Hinamori yanked his sleeve.

"Shiro-chan, you're supposed to walk me back!"

"I've got paperwork, and a most probably drunk Matsumoto to deal with."

Bidding good night to Hinamori, Hitsugaya left for his own division.

Matsumoto, as it turned out, had not gotten drunk and fallen asleep on the couch.

She had fallen asleep on the now drool-soaked pile of finished paperwork.

-----

Hitsugaya logged onto the dating site to complete the response form.

_Q: Would you like to go on another date with this person again?_

_Yes/No_

Resolutely, Hitsugaya checked the box marked 'No'.

*****

A/N: Very short, and I'm sorry. I can't write this pairing.

Try to guess the next pairing!

Prompt: Sake.

Please review!


	3. ShunMatsu: Completely Wasted

Oh, wow. So many reviews for my second chapter. Thank you to all you amazing reviewers!! ^^

Here is the next chapter. Everybody managed to guess one of the two people in this pairing, though nobody managed to guess the actual one.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Mickey Mouse, or Elmo.

*****

_To user __**realmenwearpink**__,_

_This is to notify you that your date with user __**shiro_likes_watermelons**__ has been scheduled for this evening, 7pm. The meeting point is at the North Gate. After your date, please remember to fill in the online date response form._

_Sincerely,_

_Administrator._

_This is a computer-generated letter. There is no need for a signature._

*****

At the North Gate, at fifteen minutes past seven, a figure in a pink haori strolled in casually, not caring about the fact that he was fifteen minutes late. What bothered him was not the fact that his date wasn't there either, but the strangeness of her username. _**shiro_likes_watermelons**_ sounded like something Jyuushiro would write, and he most certainly did not want to go on a date with his best friend.

He felt reiatsu approaching, and turned to look. He saw a certain busty fukutaichou running towards him, waving madly.

"Kyouraku-taichou!" she called. "Sorry I'm late! Taichou made me finish my paperwork before I could leave."

Shunsui shrugged his shoulders.

"Saa, Rangiku-chan, that's okay."

"Ne, Kyouraku-taichou, where should we go?"

Shunsui raised an eyebrow.

"You're asking me? There's only one place in the world where both of us would love to go to."

-----

The two of them walked through Rukongai, eventually arriving at a large bar in District 47. Matsumoto's eyes lit up.

"Of course! A sake bar!"

Shunsui offered his arm to her.

"Shall we?"

Giggling, Matsumoto accepted the proffered arm, and the both of them stepped into the dim bar.

"Hey," said Shunsui to the burly bartender. "For starters, could we have ten bottles of sake and some tempura please?"

Taking his grunt as assent, Shunsui moved to find a table.

-----

Hitsugaya was sorting through Matsumoto's stack of paperwork, carefully extricating the sheets that had drool stains, coffee stains, illegible handwriting, or inkblots from the pile. The pile hadn't been very big, lest than a hundredth of the massive tower he had been delegated, and yet, he had finished it faster.

Halfway through sorting the damaged sheets, he noticed Matsumoto's date notification letter. Curious, he picked it up to read.

His eye twitched at the sight of Matsumoto's username.

The username _**realmenwearpink**_ immediately caught his attention. Only one man in the whole of Seireitei loved pink.

The one man who shared Matsumoto's unhealthy habit of pigging out on sake.

He swore under his breath.

Hitsugaya quickly finished sorting the paperwork. Grabbing his haori, he proceeded to march out the door, in search of his fukutaichou.

-----

Matsumoto tittered over a joke that Shunsui had made, feeling just a little tipsy. Her sixth bottle of sake was half-empty, clutched in her hand.

The bartender sighed and shook his head. The joke hadn't even been funny.

Shunsui grinned, chugging down his eighth bottle of sake. Coming to a sake bar had been the perfect choice. And if the total bill was too expensive, why, he could just withdraw some money from the division inventory.

This was the perfect way to spend a date.

_Oh yeah._

-----

Ise Nanao glanced at her captain's desk. As usual, it was untidy. Sheets of paperwork and several brushes were strewn haphazardly across the table, and sakura petals littered its surface.

Sighing, she began to tidy up Shunsui's desk. Paperwork she stacked neatly into a pile, brushes she placed back into their holder, and sakura petals she swept up and dumped into the bin.

A piece of paper that was not paperwork caught her eye. She glanced at it. It was her captain's date notice. She frowned thoughtfully.

_**shiro_likes_watermelons**_ was a strange username. She could only assume that the 'shiro' meant Hitsugaya, as Ukitake was not known to like watermelons. Which meant that the lady in question was most likely either Matsumoto or Hinamori.

And Nanao had a pretty good opinion of who it was.

Pausing to grab a book to whack a drunken Shunsui on the head with, she left the office.

-----

Matsumoto giggled, her cheeks a very dark shade of pink, her twenty-fifth bottle of sake tipping dangerously in her hand. She watched as an equally drunk Shunsui attempted to sing like Mickey Mouse on a helium high.

He failed.

Miserably.

But because Matusmoto was drunk, she didn't notice. However, the same could not be said for the other customers, who had evacuated about half an hour ago, when Shunsui had climbed up onto a table and began gyrating after bottle number twenty-three. The poor bartender stood there, his hand frozen in the motion of polishing a sake cup, watching with horrified eyes as Shunsui began squirting ketchup on the ceiling, thinking that it was an omelette. **(1)**

Matsumoto didn't notice that there was ketchup dripping from the ceiling onto her head. Instead, she concentrated on her twenty-sixth bottle, humming the Elmo song as she did so.

Shunsui flapped his hand at the bartender dazedly, looking every inch like a drowning chicken.

"Hey, another ten more bottles please."

The bartender sighed. He had already dredged up old dusty bottles from nearly all his cabinets, and would run out of sake soon. Ah, well. At least they were paying.

He turned to open his last cabinet, when the door burst open. Instantly, he felt a murderous aura permeate the room. Turning around slowly, he saw, in the open doorway, a very angry white-haired captain, and a woman with glasses and an encyclopedia.

Hitsugaya stormed into the bar, ignoring the stunned bartender, and yanked Matsumoto up by her collar. She was giggling softly to herself, and when he began to drag her out of the bar, she glanced up at him.

"Oh, it's Shiro-chan," she giggled. "Hey, Shiro-chan, isn't the moon round tonight? It looks like a big watermelon, ne? Do you like watermelons? Yes, you do. Are you gonna eat up the moon?"

Hitsugaya rolled his eyes, pointedly shutting her voice out, and began flash-stepped back to the office. Behind him, Nanao raised up her volume of Brittanica's encyclopedia ad gave her captain a good sound whack on the head, knocking him out instantly. She ten grabbed his haori, and turned to the bartender.

"Charge the bill to Kyouraku Shunsui, captain in the Gotei Thirteen. He'll pay it out of his own salary."

With that parting statement, she, too, flash-stepped away.

-----

Hitsugaya sighed, and dumped a now-unconscious Matsumoto onto the couch. Turning to her computer, he shook it out of Sleep mode. To his relief, Matsumoto had forgotten to sign out of her account on the dating site. He decided to answer the response form for her.

Moving the mouse, he clicked the 'No' button.

*****

Please review!

**(1)** In Japan, the Japanese eat omelettes with ketchup pictures drawn on them.

Guess the next pairing!

Prompt: Double date - Four and Four

Until next time,

**espeon16**


	4. IkkaUno and ShuuIsa: Double Date

Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! ^^ Sorry for the late update, I was feeling pretty uninspired for a while. Plus this is my first attempt to write Bleach fluff. I will get better at fluff (hopefully), so don't be too annoyed with the epic fail-yness of this chapter's fluff.

Here is the next chapter. Nobody tried to guess the pairing, though.

Don't own.

*****

_To user __**igasih**__,_

_This is to notify you that your date with __**ihatefishpaste**__ has been scheduled for this evening, 6.30 pm. The meeting point is at Soukyoku Hill. After your date, please remember to fill in the online date response form._

_Sincerely,_

_Administrator._

_This is a computer-generated letter. There is no need for a signature._

*****

_To user __**this_is_yumi's_fault**__,_

_This is to notify you that your date with __**healersama**__ has been scheduled for this evening, 6.30 pm. The meeting point is Soukyoku Hill. After your date, please remember to fill in the online date response form._

_Sincerely,_

_Administrator._

_This is a computer-generated letter. There is no need for a signature._

*****

He'd thought it was a mistake with his letter, when he arrived at Soukyoku Hill only to see another man standing there. But when Ikkaku showed him his letter, he just took it as a glitch in the system, and resolved to wait with him.

Soon enough, two ladies arrived together. Hisagi grinned, and pointed out the taller one.

"That must be my date."

"How do you know?"

"Because she's the only one I know who hates fish paste."

Ikkaku turned to study the other woman, most probably his date. He groaned.

"Shit."

Hisagi turned to look at Ikkaku's date, and snorted. He remembered, a few days ago, when Ikkaku had come to him, chortling about some prank he'd played on a captain. Now, it seemed that Fate had come back to bite him in the bum.

"Tough luck, buddy," said Hisagi, patting Ikkaku on the back. "Well, I must be off. See ya, and have fun!"

Hisagi flashed-stepped off, and appeared in front of his date, presenting her with a bunch of roses he'd taken from the sleeves of his shihakusho. Ikkaku faced his date, and took a deep breath.

"Well," he muttered. "Here goes nothing."

"Good evening, Unohana-taichou," he said nervously, looking at an interesting spot in the sky.

She looked at him, and activated the patented Unohana Glare.

"You," she hissed. "You were the one who pranked me."

Ikkaku began to sweat.

"N-no…th-that wasn't m-me…"

"It was. It was your handwriting. Besides, you're sweating and you're not maintaining eye contact, which means that you're lying."

"I'm just nervous!"

"Because you lied."

She placed a hand on Minazuki.

"You have three seconds," she said venomously, "before I come after you and show you how wrong you were about calling me a pansy."

Ikkaku yelped, and sped away.

_Stupid Hisagi! Running off like that…_

-----

Walking through the streets looking for a restaurant, Hisagi sneezed.

"Hisagi-san, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

-----

Ikkaku bolted into the division barracks, and slammed the door shut, locking it. Booting up the computer, he accessed the date response form, and resolutely clicked 'no'. Leaning against the wall, he tried to breathe slowly, too frightened to notice that out of fear, he'd wet his hakama pants.

-----

It was after dinner. Hisagi and Isane had decided to take a refreshing walk in the park by night. After going around the park twice, they sat down on a bench. Isane raised her head and glanced at the night sky, unconsciously sighing wistfully.

"Kotetsu-san."

Isane started, and turned to face Hisagi, who had spoken aloud.

"Nani, Hisagi-san?"

"Shuuhei."

"Eh?"

"We're on a date. There's no need to be so formal, Kotetsu-san."

She mocked glared at him, pouting. "Look who's talking. Call me Isane, and I'll think about it."

Hisagi blinked, staring at her, suddenly finding her pouting face cute for no reason. Pushing the thought out of his mind, he sighed.

"Hai, Kot-I mean, Isane."

She beamed at him.

"Much better. Now, Shuuhei-kun, what were you about to ask?"

_Her smile is pretty_, whispered a small voice in the back of his head. Hisagi chose to ignore it.

"I was just wondering. What do you aspire to be? You've already come quite far, achieving the position of lieutenant, and yet when you looked at the stars, the look in your eyes was quite wistful and full of longing. What do you long to be?"

She blinked at him, surprised.

After a pause, she answered, "I wish to be stronger."

"Why?"

She gave him a look filled with frustration.

"Have you seen how many, especially the eleventh division, treat us? At least five times a week, I get looked down on, and I can't help but think that maybe, if I could just get stronger, even if it were just developing the courage to tell them to shut their traps, maybe then we'll gain more respect."

"That's easy."

"Really?"

"You want to be strong enough to stand up for yourself, right? As long as you believe that you are strong, you will be. If you wanted to yell at those who belittle you, all you have to do is know that you are not what they make you out to be. Believe in yourself. It works wonders, believe me."

She looked at him. His face held a slight smile, a genuine smile. Hisagi Shuuhei rarely smiled like that. That simple smile filled her with confidence.

"All right," she heard herself say, "I'll give it a try."

-----

Hisagi plopped himself down onto the couch back in his office. His hand still rested on the spot on his cheek, where Isane had given him a chaste kiss before flash-stepping away.

Booting up his laptop, he accessed the response form.

"This…could work out," he murmured, clicking 'Yes'.

-----

Two days later, a loud shriek of fear could be heard across Seireitei. Seconds later, a newly-recruited eleventh division member was seen running desperately away from the fourth division barracks, screaming bloody murder. If anyone had stopped laughing long enough to look, they would have seen his shihakusho sleeves, as well as his hair, smoking from the effects of Hado number 33, Soukatsui.

Isane stood in the doorway of the hospital, chuckling.

"That…felt good."

*****

Aaaand…It's done! The next chapter.

Once again, I apologize _profusely_ for the long delay, and the absolute fail-yness of the fluff here.

Please continue reviewing!

Guess the next pairing.

Prompt: Quarrelsome and Fighter

Until next time,

**espeon16**


End file.
